MY GREATEST SHAME

 

September 13, 2014

My daughter is 14 and maybe about a year or two ago, I told her why I call her my angel. When I was young, I preferred death to a lengthy prison sentence. And during one of my criminal excursions, I was unarmed, but foolishly chose to act as if I was so that the police would finish me because I thought I was facing a boatload of time. I heard a voice say “Te’a,” and I struck out running. The police were shooting, but I didn’t not get hit! Although I was later apprehended, I didn’t get nearly as much time as I thought that I would and it was because I heard my baby’s name.
My criminal lifestyle continued after my release. A friend of mine hated when I used to say, “I’m built for the Life.” I said it because I am. I hate prison, but I don’t do anything if I can’t accept the repercussions of my actions. In my mind I had resolved with myself that prison stints are a part of a game that I had chosen to play in life. One does not just get the money and the women. Serving time is part of the Game, as well. Yes, that way of thinking is warped! And I’m not ashamed of that.
I am also not ashamed that I am the son of a recovering drug addict. I am not ashamed that I am the son of an alcoholic father. I am not ashamed that my brother and best friend succumbed to the very substance that gave us financial hope. I am not even ashamed that there was a time that I could be considered homeless.
Yesterday, I talked to my angel. The other day I talked to my youngest son Te’Sean, and I talked to my oldest son, CaNon, about a week ago. I communicate with them all and they love me, which causes me my greatest shame.
Almost 19 years ago me and my wife, Regina, had our first child. We later went half on two more, and I have not upheld my end. Failing as a father is the biggest failure taht a man can have. Even with my prison convictions, I’ve never felt like a failure. Not being the father that I should be is unacceptable and I’m ashamed of that!

CaNon